A Dose of Insanity- 16 Moments when life just had to take a screenshot!

Hello hello and welcome to another installment of Stop the World I Want to Get Off! No, seriously, I'd like to slip away to some secret hideaway and finish my books, but this thing called life keeps getting in the way. I do what I can and try to make the world a happy place for my kids, but that means embracing the insanity and finding that silver lining everyone's always talking about. Trust me, it's not easy, but when you find that golden moment and you can't stop laughing... I found a few, thanks to my 6 year old.

It Begins... "Mom, can I have some paint?" "Mom, can we go to the store, I need nails?" "Mom, do you think the Cats like water?" "Mom, can I borrow your hairbrush?" Now, my day has already been filled with questions, and I'm usually answering them, but this had me asking why she needed paint, nails, water and a hairbrush? "The Cat's want their nails done, but I don't have a salon! I need to build my salon so they can have pretty nails!" She replies, with her fingers on her chin in deep thought. "I will also need your phone!" "Why?" I ask. "For promotion, Mom. Every good business has a great Facebook page." Did I mention she was 6 years old? Pretty sure I did. This, is my life, when I'm not sending my characters into a war-torn battlefield, hell bent on victory. Sometimes, it kind of feels like I'm fighting one of those battles myself... * I turn the lights off to save power, she turns them back on to make the world a brighter place. * I pick up her toys and move them to her room, she has a meltdown worthy of a Diva and tells me they're all mad at her now because I interrupted the opening ceremony of her fashion show. * Pretty sure that grass, belongs outside. If your ponies want to eat the grass, then they better eat it outside and not in your bedroom. (If looks could kill...) * The couch is not a trampoline, but there is one in the back yard; go use it. * Yes, you can have a cookie. No, the Cats do not need ice cream. Seriously, they don't need ice cream. * Huh, there are three boys in your class who like you? You're in Grade One, they just want your candy and scented markers. But still, don't tell your father, and don't let them kiss you. You have no idea what they've been playing with. * No, Google does not know everything. Yes, I know it auto-fills for you... I would like to add, that in moments like these when she's on question #574 of the day and I'm at my wits end, I find my sanity firing up the old whip if sarcasm just as she winds up with QUESTION # 575... "Mom, why Can't we Own A Canadian?" "Excuse you?" "That's what Google says! Someone wanted to by a Canadian and Google told them no. Canadians must be rare!" "We're Canadian!" I told her and her eyes lit up. "So, nobody can own us, right?"

I had to see this for myself and true enough, right there in front of me. Why Can't I own a Canadian? Right above, Why is My Poop Green? As is turns out, her older brothers were trying to amuse themselves and left a page open titled 20 Stupidest Google Questions Well, now my day has gone from my own child asking mind numbing question after question, to stalking Google and the millions of stupid questions that people have asked all over the world. Thanks to all three of my children, I wasted a good hour of my life scrolling through and collecting the ones that made me go WTF!!! There are so many snapshots it's... for the first time in a long time, I'm speechless. Haha, no I'm not. In fact, after the day I've had, I couldn't help myself. When you put stupid out there for the world to see, I AM, going to let the sarcasm out. Whether you've skipped the homework step and gone right to starting a war over a trademark, or you're asking Google why you can't own a Canadian? I Thank you for offering up this entertainment. Below, is a collection of things I found in my search, and let me tell you, you might want to take that last drink and sit down, cause some of these are just that insane. Seriously now, we don't want you choking. 1. I really hope you get sexually assaulted by a Pterodactyl tonight

For starters, I would A. love to know just what transpired between this individual and his or her foe. B. Why a Pterodactyl? You chose a Pterodactyl? There has to be a reason, and I want to know what that reason is? Anyone? No? Nobody knows or has heard of some madman with a Dino Fetish and a Hate on for their Ex? Alright then, we can skip that for a time and move right down to that last line in the Autofill shot above... I really had to poop a lot so that I could be this hot I can see the slogans now, and let me tell you, they're shitty! Ladies and Gentlemen, we don't need to exercise, we just need to poop a lot. No need for diet pills, grab some laxatives instead and crap your way to a new you. So, we don't have to toss out our bottle of 'extra body' shampoo, so long as we wash our hair and then poop right away? Why did no one tell me this earlier? Wow, just wow, people! And moving on...

2. I hate it when I'm studying and a Velociraptor throws banana's on me...

Yes, that would irritate me too. You're working hard on that mid-term, studying the inner workings of the Human body, and one starts his attempts to subdue you via a full fruital assault, from your open window. You're studying, he's throwing. Then you're dodging and he's snickering away to his friends across campus. He wasn't the only one to get Fruit Frenzied. The Dean's still getting reports and no one can find the Professor's car. It's all fun and games until they run out of Banana Grenades and move on to the Apple Bombs. What's next, Watermelon Mines tossed from the back of a '79 Ford Pinto? And then there's that last one, hidden by the failblog.org tag. Does it really say I hate it when I lose my White friends in the snow... OR, does he like losing his friends in the snow? I gotta tell you, I have lots of friends in lots of different colors (Save for Hot Pink and Purple; and Neons. Haven't met any Neon people yet either) but I've never actually tried to lose anyone in the snow, or anywhere else for that matter. Losing people means having to find them again, and some people are bat-shit crazy and get into some weird stuff. "No, I'm not really wanting to mount a rescue mission into that dumpster cause your drunk ass climbed in and got stuck; but I will sit out here and keep you company until you figure it out." "But I need help!" Cries said friend in dumpster. "You need help? I'm the one getting strange looks for talking to a dumpster!" That is too funny to pass up, and we're getting side-tracked. SQUIRREL! But, just a note to keep to yourself: If, for some some reason, you keep losing your friends in the snow, sand, water, trees, whatever- You are a bad friend-sitter, and should consider hiring a replacement for you both. And on another note, before someone calls me mean, Yes, I would leave their drunk asses in the dumpster for a time. They climbed up there for some unknown and probably absurd reason that I can't remember because we were nineteen and drunker than skunks; but I gave the warning and they still did the stupid; but at least I knew they were in there and they eventually got out. I didn't lose them. For the record, I was a good friend-sitter back in the day. Still am, but now my friends battle minions of the dark in their stories, not dumpsters, and my shenanigans come with valuable lessons. At least I think so. No one's fallen into a dumpster since; just saying. And moving on... What are these straw.... Wait, nope. This one needs one of those warnings, and here it is. THIS IS BEYOND FUBAR.... Seriously, I can't make this shit up... 3. What are these strawberries doing on my nipples I need them for the fruit salad

Well, I completely understand the red questions marks, and it totally does require three of them in this case. See... 1. Strawberries belong in the fridge, you know, waiting for that fruit salad? And there is only one real reason you would put them on your nipples..... WHIPPED CREAM BIKINI Too soon? That was my first thought. 2. The fact that you have no idea what so ever as to how those strawberries got there tells me that you had one hell of a night and someone prefers whipped cream over strawberry nips :O 3. You asked Google, to explain this? I get you wouldn't want to ask your parents, or your room mates, seeing as how both could get kind of awkward and the latter probably had a hand in it if you're a guy... (GIrls would have eaten the strawberries, just saying) but you asked Google. I know they're out there watching us, but do you think they're gonna tell you that the 10 shots of tequila and the massive beer bong you subjected yourself to, won you a one night stand with your best friend's mom? (I would insert guy here, but in today's society, it's 50/50!) My guess, is that if you combine the first question and answer it with the last, all will be right again. :P Lots of things happen in Vegas, who knows, maybe that's where this guy, or girl, woke up??? Perhaps, we should just leave this one alone and move on to 4. How easy is it to sneak into the zoo I need to see some penguins like right now

Me thinks they should avoid sneaking into anywhere, especially if their previous search had anything to do with those strawberry covered nipples.

This is about where the Google Questions stopped and others started to pop up.... 5. If Batman parents are died, then how was he born?

Did he think his question through? Perhaps his car had died in a drive-thru and he had nothing else to do? Someone needs to re-watch Batman before being allowed to use his phone again.... 6. Why Do I feel like a Werewolf during sex?

I would love to find the rest of this, as clearly, this is a hot topic? How does one feel like a Werewolf? People need to know. I, need to know. Sometimes, I feel like a Tazmanian Devil. All over the place and breaking shit in a fury of passion. Never been a Werewolf though...

7. If my girlfriend sneezes after sex, will it keep her from getting pregnant?

Okay, I need to point out that I have heard some funny shit in my 34 years on this planet, but please, can someone ask their Greek friends if this works? Not for me of course, just thinking about it makes my ovaries cry out to be removed like my tubes; but the curiosity is peaking? Could this be some ancient form of birth control that the Greeks have been keeping to themselves? Someone tell me, please! 8. If my girlfriend swallowed after....

Wow! I feel really bad for your girl. Talk about taking one for the team so stupid doesn't reproduce. As for him, if he must see her in a laxative induced poo-pocolypse, might I suggest reverting to the part above about pooping for weight-loss??? No, perhaps you should steer clear of that mess too. Best not to let that stupidity shine through, in case she finds her own uses for those laxatives. 9. I spilled glowstick juice on my penis and now it glows in the dark. I need help!?

Buddy, you totally just made my day. Above I mentioned not meeting any Neon People. Winner Winner Chicken Dinner. Say Hello to his Neon Friend! Okay, so that was a little too much fun, but come on, it's funnier than his explanation of what happened. Let me have a go at it... Mr. Electric Erection here was indeed at a rave and he was, really high, but those pants he was talking about, were non- existent. He'd lost them a few hours ago, before he jumped in that dance cage and let everyone paint his pecker. He always wanted to be the life of the party. As for getting it off, that would be a question for medical professionals. They won't have a problem seeing the issue, but might I suggest contacting Hollywood if your condition is deemed safe, cause someone somewhere is writing a story about a glowing penis and you could be their star. 10. Is it safe to type on your phone? These next few pics might say no, but they were too funny not to share!

Oh, Allison, you may not want to post that publicly. That sort of thing is frowned upon... Mind you, so is suctioning them. We won't touch base on the auto cat rectal, as she's already pointed out, it's ridiculous! Birdseed: Seeds to feed birds. No relation to the auctioning or suctioning of children. Point of fact: Cats chase Birds.

11. Flamingos!!!! I, personally love Flamingos and would ensure they had a hefty supply of Shrimp and fresh water... But, the thought of being invaded by an army of pink, long legged, bow-tie wearing birds; I don't think we'd have enough shrimp. My question, why would you believe the weatherman? He called for rain and clouds, well, I'm sitting hear at the bus-stop in a rain suit while people passing me by wearing shorts and flip-flops.

12. To the boyfriend in question, you better run. Don't worry, we have proof if she ever finds you. Funny, how auto-correct would change such a happy occasion into a horrifying display of blood and guts. Is this what the Bridesmaids are for? Did I get it all wrong? We actually got married. No mutilation included.

13. Now Steve, he didn't mean it like that... Unless of course, he did, and he and Jen are assholes. I'm sure your inflatable girlfriend is quite lovely, and just think, she doesn't eat much. Oh, who am I kidding, she's got a big mouth.

14. Boobsicles. Aisle 3 "Yeah, I need 3 orders of Boobsicles and one Holy Donkey!" Husband asks Clerk. "We only have 2 Boobsicles and they're kinda droopy, and we're out of Holy Donkeys, but I can give you A Cocky Ass?" The Clerk replied with a cheap grin. "No, I've seen the trouble with Cocky Asses. I'll find something less Rebellious!"

15. Uh, Sara.... I know money is tight, but your son is going to need those in the future. Mind you, if you'd do that to him, I fear for the Grandchildren. So should John!

And last but not least..... but probably my favorite so far...

16. "That will be 2 Gallons of Chocolate Shart, please?" Could you imagine how many times people have walked in looking for Behr- 7708-7 Chocolate Shart????? I don't care what it's really called, or whether it looks like someone ate a glitter bomb before poopifying your walls. Chocolate Shart it will be, forever. I hope you've enjoyed these as much as I have, and there are still a ton more waiting for you all to see; but again, life calls and dinner must be made!! So enjoy the insanity while you can and we'll see you next time!!!